


You are my All-the-World

by Queenofthedragonsharks



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, First Time, Interspecies Romance, M/M, Pon Farr, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 22:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10886622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenofthedragonsharks/pseuds/Queenofthedragonsharks
Summary: James T. Kirk can't get the fight down on Vulcan out of his head, and finds himself having to admit that he may be in love with his first officer. At this point the whole crew can see it.AKA Amok Time is a legend of an episode and what do you mean they didn't finally admit their feelings after all of that nonsense went down?





	You are my All-the-World

**Author's Note:**

> Well hey y'all, I haven't posted anything in forever, sorry. This has been in my drafts FOREVER and finally decided to post. Rated mature but may change to explicit when I see how this all shakes out. Mostly I just love these space dorks.  
> I'm sustained by comments, so feel free to tell me what you think, or visit me on tumblr at belovedblabber.tumblr.com

James T. Kirk hears his thoughts louder than thunder. As much as he hates to admit it, the events of the day had left their mark on him. He couldn’t get his mind away from the hot sands of Vulcan. Before he can fall deeper into reliving what happened, Uhura's voice cuts through his thoughts.

“Captain, maybe you should get some rest. My shift isn’t over for a few hours, and I don't have beta shift tomorrow.”

He glanced around the bridge. Just Sulu and Uhura, along with a half asleep science officer and yeoman. The artificial lights of the enterprise were dimmed to their nighttime setting, and he knew he was supposed to have left the bridge hours ago. Uhura kept looking at him intently, lips pursed. He didn’t want to admit the source of his restlessness, although as usual it seemed the Lieutenant had guessed. With a sigh he stood and stretched, nodding to the remaining bridge crew.

“Aright, I can’t argue with good advice.” The doors slid open with a familiar swoosh. “Lieutenant Uhura, you have the comm.”

He knew he should head back to his cabin, but he found himself wandering to med bay instead.

The door slid open, and he was greeted by nurse Chapel, who smiled warmly at him with a look of slight concern tinting her eyes.

“Captain, are you alright? Did Leon-Dr. McCoy's miracle plan end up having an adverse affect on you after all?”

“Of course it didn’t nurse. I don’t make mistakes like that.” Bones came to stand slightly behind her, crossing his arms. “So what is it Jim?”

He found himself glancing helplessly at the doctor, unsure what to say. As usual, Bones didn’t need him to explain.

“I think we’re done for now Nurse. Why don’t you go get some rest?”

“Doctor, I don’t thin-“

“That’s an order Christine.”

Chapel left reluctantly, shaking her head. Once the door slid shut, Bones threw his hands up in the air.

“It’s a good thing she’s so good at her job, otherwise I wouldn’t put up with all the backtalk…” He looked Jim over before hurrying over to one of his cabinets and pulling out a half empty bottle. “So, drink?”

“Just what the doctor ordered.” He sat down carefully, still sore from the fight on Vulcan. Bones joined him after finding two relatively clean glasses and filling them with whatever was in the bottle. 

“Where’s Spock?”

“Off in his cabin I assume. Why would I know?” The contents of the glass burned a not unpleasant path down his throat. Bones raised en eyebrow, said nothing.

“What?”

“Nothing at all Jim. I doubt he’s in his cabin though…he’s been pretty restless since that little throw down on Vulcan. I’m surprised he even agreed to leave your side.”

“What are you talking about?” Another sip, spreading warmth down through his arms.

“Despite his claims to the contrary, I’d say the hobgoblin's been experiencing some very illogical emotions since your so-called death.”

“He was worried Star Fleet would loose a captain.”

“We both know that’s not true Jim. Either that or you’re denser than you look….y’know, now might be a good time for the two of you to talk.”

“And why is that?” He stared down at what was left of his drink, swirling it around absently.

“I’d say a lot of cards got laid down on the table today…might be a good time for the two of you to work out what exactly it is that's going on between you.”

“You’re not making any sense Bones.”

“Dammit Jim, are you gonna make me say it plain?” Bones pinched the bridge of his nose, setting his glass down with a loud clink.

“I just don’t see what there is to say.”

“You’re worse than the hobgoblin! Listen Jim, you’re my friend, and so help me, Spock is too…and it’s getting awfully old watching the two of you dance around each other. At this point the whole crew can see it!”

“I should get some sleep.” He stood up fast enough to make his head spin.

“Jim-“

“Thanks for the drink Bones.” He hurried out, heard Mccoy sigh before the doors slid shut.

The enterprise was quiet this time of ‘night’. He passed a few security personnel in the hallways, and ran into a furtive Chekov outside of Yeoman Landon’s cabin. His thoughts were crashing unceremoniously around his head, almost giving him a headache. Or maybe that was whatever he’d had with Bones. To be fair though, he had almost died. He replayed the events on Vulcan as he made his way back to his cabin. Sun beating down on the starkly beautiful planet, T’pau's regal gaze, Spock’s lovely betrothed. That one had hurt more than he wanted to admit. He tried to tell himself his reaction to Spock’s surprise wedding had just been friendly concern, and he almost believed it. The whole thing had gotten out of hand fast, granted…he hated to admit it, but from the moment Spock had started acting strangely, he hadn’t been able to think straight either.

“You’re the captain…” He’d found that constantly recording logs had given him the habit of talking out loud himself. It took effort to force his thoughts back into his mind. You’re the captain. He’s your first officer. And he would never…The joy on his face as he grabbed and spun him... Jim! his voice filled with what could only be joy. He knew he hadn’t been imagining the emotion of Spock’s face. His first officer had reacted entirely illogically when he learned he was alive. Jim could still feel the impression of Spock's hand’s where he’d grabbed his shoulders, spun him like he weighed nothing at all. The memory sent more heat stabbing down his body than he cared to admit. His head was pounding now. He hadn’t drunk enough with Bones to justify that.

The inside of his cabin was a cool respite, familiar belongings scattered around serving to ground him. With a small groan of frustration he thudded down onto his bed, absently running his hand along the stitched pattern of his blanket. He tried for a few moments to glance over various reports on his padd, but the words and figures slid through his mind like water, refusing to find purchase. He scanned his bookshelf, eyes sliding over various old classics, modern journals, poetry and histories and anthologies. He hadn’t wanted to pick up the book of Shakespeare’s sonnets, but it indeed up in his hands anyway. The pages were brittle and fragrant as he flipped through them, opening to a random page.

_Shall I compare thee to a summers day?_

That one was a bit on the nose, considering. He quickly flipped to another page

 _Those lips that Love's own hand did make,_  
_Breathed forth the sound that said 'I hate',_  
_To me that languished for her sake:_  
_But when she saw my woeful state,_  
_Straight in her heart did mercy come,_

145\. It was the only one that wasn’t in iambic pentameter. He shifted the page again, finding a few lines in the center of the sonnet

 _You are my all-the-world, and I must strive_  
_to know my shames and praises from your tongue;_

With another sigh he closed the book. Every one of them somehow reminded him of his first officer, dragged him back under the hot Vulcan sun.

Dammit Jim, are you going to make me say it plain?

Bone's words drifted through his head, the conversation twisted around through his thoughts. He suddenly wished he had another drink.

At this point the whole crew can see it!

There was nothing to see. There couldn’t be. Move on, nothing to see here folks. Just a romantic fool of a captain who falls in love too easily and first officer miles above him in every way.

Love.

And there was the problem. He’d never voiced that to himself.

“And you won’t again. You can’t” His voice broke the stifling silence of his room. He was suddenly heavy with fatigue, sinking down onto his back and closing his eyes.

You can’t….

His buzzer rang, announcing someone outside his door. He considered staying silent before a measured voice came through.  
“Captain, are you in? I had a matter I wished to-“

Spock hadn’t even finished before Jim was on his feet and pressing the button to open his door. He found himself looking up at his first officer, close enough to see the details in his eyes.

“Speak of the devil. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud.”

“Captain, I fail to see how-“

“Apologies Mr. Spock,” He tried to assume a casual appearance, suddenly conscience of how he must look. “I was just thinking of you.” He hadn’t meant to say that either. Spock raised an eyebrow, hands clasped behind his back. Kirk bit his lip  
“Please come in.”

“I don’t mean to disturb you Jim…”

“I was wide awake Spock. No sleep tonight…”

“Ah.”

Their eyes met briefly before Jim broke the contact, his chest tightening.

“Ahm, right…how can I help you Spock? Are you alright?”

“I am quite fine captain. You’re the one I’m concerned about. Despite Dr. McCoy’s talents, I am concerned that your body may be suffering un-“

“I’m fine.” It came out sharper than he meant it to. Spock stepped back almost imperceptibly, brows knitting together.

“Jim, if you wish to be left alone-“

“No no Mr. Spock,” He sighed, pulled out a chair for Spock before sitting in his own. “Please sit down. It’s been…it’s been a long day is all."

“Of course.” Spock carefully settled himself into the chair, sitting straight and tense as if he was being held up by a string. Jim wasn’t used to seeing him this uncomfortable in his presence. He was used to quiet games of chest and accidental touches that lasted longer than they really should. He was used to an unspoken barrier that kept them close, but never too close. A barrier that kept them both safe.

“That was a dose of healthy excitement down there on Vulcan today. It’s not every first officer who gets to kill his captain, Mr. Spock.” An attempt at humor that he saw fall flat as soon as it left him, Spock seeming to shrink in on himself with something very much like pain flashing through those beautiful dark eyes.

“Apologies Mr. Spock,” He tried to smile, “Sometimes we humans try to lighten the mood with humor.”

“A most illogical response…” Spock seemed to be unable to meet his eyes, his hands clenched in tight fists on his knees.

“Spock-“

“Jim, when I thought you were dead—when I thought I had killed you—I found I didn’t have any logic left.” His first officer had his eyes closed and his hands were shaking. Jim felt a rush of fear and distress, not for himself, but for Spock.

“Well I’d say that’s a normal response-“

“THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT WHAT YOU DO TO ME!”

Spock’s voice cracked through the room like a whip, and a thick silence followed. The two of them sat stiff, frozen like actors in some strange tableau. Jim felt his heart thudding up through his ears. He wanted to say a lot of things—Whatever I do to you, it’s nothing compared to what you do to me, every time I’m near you it’s like going home, when I heard you were getting married I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. You’re brilliant, you’re beautiful, I think I’m in love with you—

“You’re still unstable Mr. Spock, it’s the last of the Pon Farr.” The words left his mouth with a bitter taste. “You should return to your cabin and get some rest.”

The emotion in Spock’s eyes was easy to read this time. It was hurt. Jim felt like he was watching a scene of somebody else's life, watching a man who looked like him reading lines that didn’t fit in his mouth.

“Of course captain.” Spock stood quickly enough to send his chair scraping back across the floor. He held his head high, shoulders back. “Goodnight.” When he nodded there was just a brief flash of emotion in his eyes before he turned stiffly and strode out of the room. The door hissed shut, and Jim was alone.


End file.
